"Attack of the Veggies!" by Cooper Brain

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"Corry!" several people could be heard yelling around the room, "Corry you have to let him go, you have to let him go." the voices continued to cry out until finally Corry, defeated by peer pressure relinquished her grip on the back of Cooper's head and let him out of the tub.

Cooper, attempting to recover from his embarrassment ensured that he had an apple in his mouth before he took his head out of the water, once his head was above sea level, the cheers and laughter could be heard around the room. Cooper then spit the apple out and looked at Corry and said, "Your turn." and immediately dunked her head under the water.

The fun and games continued on for several minutes when a shockwave could be felt rumbling through the walls. Immediately everyone looked at Andy who coyly said out loud, "It wasn't me this time, I swear."

Believing this time that it actually wasn't Andy responsible for rumbling the walls several technicians removed themselves from their pumpkin beer hangovers and went to the labs, to try to find out what was responsible for the shaky thingies.

Convinced that the party must never die, Alex Thorne attempted to bob for apples, and he announced this loudly enough so that the entire room full of costumed weirdoes could hear him. The group was unprepared for the horror that was about to ensue. As soon as Alex's head hit the water it was obvious by the shrill screaming that something was wrong. Cooper and Andy immediately ran to the tub from whence the apples where being bobbed and together they removed Alex from the water, horrified at the redness now diluting into the clarity of the water.

Cooper noticed first and almost lost his lunch, breakfast and dinner from the night before, the apples had apparently been brought to life and were eating Thorney's eyes. He grabbed at them in vain, but it was to no avail, seeing as how he was blind he was pretty much helpless. While two of the apples where finishing off the rest of the skin around Thorneys face, the others promptly removed themselves from the water and began attacking other members of the party. The scene was horrific. Everywhere Cooper looked he was reminded of an old cartoon he had seen on earth.

"Wow it's like 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes', but with apples instead of tomatoes, you know what I mean?' he said to the newly dead Alex Thorne whose only response was a stern look on his pallid face.

"Oh that's right you're dead, I forgot buddy." Cooper said as he slapped Alex on the back and watched his body slump slowly to the ground.

Cooper then realized that there was definitely something fishy going on, and it had nothing to do with the Mon Calamari crewman he had seen earlier, although it might have to do with the Ishi Tib. He still wasn't sure what the cause of the fruit and vegetable living and killing stuff thing was, but he was determined to find out.

He grabbed a potato peeler from the kitchen, along with a cheese grater and made his way to the science lab, if anyone could help him surely one of the nerdly scientists could.

The scene in the hallways of Farpoint station was absurd, everywhere one looked there were members of Rogue Squadron being eaten, attacked or otherwise maimed by food that had once been inanimate. As Cooper rounded a corner he heard the distinct sound of Colonel Vrecken screaming, "Run for your lives!" and as she came into view Cooper was aghast, she was being pursued by a large Jell-O Mold, lime flavored he thought from the look of it, and it already had the remains of two naval personnel and a very confused looking dog drifting around in is suffocating excuse for a belly. Cooper threw the cheese grater and the potato peeler at it, but it had no effect.

Cooper said to himself, "How does one kill Jell-O?" as he pondered this Colonel Vrecken was summarily eaten and suffocated by the Jell-O Mold, which then chocked on her remains and collapsed to the floor, as if dead.

"Well never mind then, I guess it's too late." Cooper said as he continued down the hallway, whistling a jolly tune that resembled the theme song from Gilligan's Island. It went something like this:

Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a big spaceship
With a bunch of weirdoes that all took a trip

Here to Cooper Brain's Isle

It was a three hour tour, a three hour tour

With General Moore(Gilligan), The Admiral too(Skipper), a broke pilot named Andy, and his droid, a hairy Wookie, the drunken Doctor and Corry Vrecken here on Cooper Brain's Isle.

It was obvious to Cooper that the pumpkin beer was catching up to him because he knew there were more words to that song, but right now he couldn't remember them.

Finally, after outrunning some pretty mean banana bunches Cooper made his way to the research labs and of course, there with an all too convenient answer, was a nerd. "The problem originates from this island a few kilometers from here. Seems like someone dropped a DNA infusing Super High Tech thingamabob that generates DNA sequences for certain types of Earth based foods, giving them the most basic of desires."

Andy, who had just shown up asked, "What is that island's name? I don't remember us having an island on this planet before."

"Since you must go off topic, that island is called the Isle of Lucy." The Nerd replied.

Cooper tried to suppress a smile, but it refused to be repressed and fought free. With all of the death that had occurred in just a short amount of time Cooper looked like an ID ten T.

"What's so funny?" Andy asked.

Cooper chuckled then said, "Isle of Lucy, original. Any way to continue how do we stop it?"

"Well, I think blowing it up should work, anyone here enjoy blowing stuff up?"

Andy drooled and Cooper grinned.

"Well then, let's get to work."

After Cooper and Andy had met up with Jess Sri they formulated a plan.

"Jess, you take your fighter and try to get it with a few torpedoes, Andy and I will go there on foot and plant some explosives. If we all die, the food pyramid will change and we'll replace fruits and vegetables on the bottom row."

"They're not on the bottom, they're in the middle." Jess interrupted.

"That's not the point, why do you always feel the need to ruin my pep talks? It's always like that. What are you a Grammar and Information Dictator?" Cooper asked of Jess.

"Well, I just feel that if you are going to use a quote or an example that it must be correct." Jess replied.

"You and I are going to deal with this later, meanwhile let's try to save the world shall we?" Cooper said.

"What is this the fourth or fifth time now?" Andy said with a smile.

"Actually it's the seventh, but who's counting?" Cooper said as he rolled up his sleeve to reveal seven tattoos of planets with a heart around them.

"Why a heart?" Jess said

"Well, what would you use to signify saving a planet?" Cooper replied.

"How about a picture of somebody kissing their butt goodbye, but with a line through it like they didn't have to?" suggested Andy.

Cooper, suddenly with a perturbed look on his face, said "Oh. Now you come up with the good ideas. Why didn't you say that before we got the other tattoos?"

"We?" questioned Jess, "You both got them?"

"We got drunk one night in Da-nang and woke up with the first one, after that we kept it up." Andy said.

"Okay, way too much information. Let's get the road on the show." Jess said.

"Huh?" Cooper said.

"I mean let's make like a tree and get out of here."

"Oh, okay." Andy and Cooper said with a smile.

Jess headed towards his fighter and Cooper and Andy headed towards the Speeder bikes.

* * * * *

Cooper and Andy, sporting their brand new leather "Rogue Angels" biker jackets, were speeding towards the Isle of Lucy, blasters, grenades and other explosives in hand.

Above them, slowing to allow them to keep up, was Jess in his X-wing.

About two kilometers away Cooper saw something moving, and it was big.

"Jess can you scout on ahead and tell me what is up there?" Andy ordered.

"Aye aye sir." Jess replied.

A few seconds what they heard alarmed them, "Sirs it looks like some strange bearded creature with a hockey mask, a hand with claws on it, and he appeared to have a zombie with him."

"What is this? Are we being attacked by every corny scary movie ever made?" Cooper shrugged. Next thing you know there will be some strange giant snake or something."

"Now that you mention it…" Jess said from above.

"Oh man why do I always shoot my mouth off?" Cooper said

"Cut the chatter. Let's go get into our killing gear. Jess try to take them out from above." ordered Andy.

A few minutes later, Andy emerged from behind a cluster of trees decked out from head to toe in the latest high tech assault gear, right down to the tight pants and the absurd amount of thermal grenades. "Coop come on out what's taking so long?"

"Uh…can you go without me?" Cooper called out from behind the bushes.

"Like uh…No! Now get out here on the double." Andy shouted.

"All right sir, but it ain't pretty."

A second later Andy was on the ground holding his ribs, bursting at the seams with laughter. Apparently Cooper had grabbed the wrong bag from the Armory and had grabbed the costume that the armourer was going to wear. Now Cooper stood in front of Andy, facing immediate death at the hands of Jason, Freddy Kruegger and a lobster man who claimed he was from Mars, and possibly a swamp "thing" dressed as none other than - a pretty pink ballerina.

"At least the tights fit. Sort of." Andy howled from between his laughing fit.

"I think I'll put my other clothes on." Cooper said.

"No time, we go now." Andy said as he stood up, "Jess how you doing up there?"

"Not good, they keep throwing debris at me. I came pretty close to actually getting my fighter dirty. I just washed it this morning and that would have been a travesty."

Cooper and Andy both nodded, "I hear you on that."

Jess attempted to bring his fighter around for another attack run but suddenly his attention shifted to movement in his cockpit.

"Oh crap, what is that?" He said as he saw something inside his flight suit moving around. Being the highly trained military officer he was known to be, his reaction was immediate. He panicked.

"Oh my God what the heck is that?" He screamed over the comms and immediately began pulling his flight suit off. He watched in horror as he saw that whatever the movement was, it was coming from his own body, his stomach stretched and relaxed and did it all over again. Jess tried an emergency landing but it didn't take and he crashed into the woods on the Isle of Lucy. The explosion was huge but somehow Jess survived and crawled a few meters away from the wreckage. He leaned back against a tree and watched as his stomach burst open and a small cluster of grapes emerged from his own entrails, sporting sharp miniscule fangs they immediately began to don hats that seemed to come from nowhere and began singing a song as they slowly ate him alive, stopping only once to return to the same pitch, and poor Jess got to listen as the grapes of wrath sang the song of his demise, out of tune.

Cooper and Andy snuck up almost as quietly as Cooper's tights had, making Cooper walk slightly like a duck. They saw the first obstacle; it was a fifteen foot man wearing a hockey masked and a machete. Andy simply called out a name, but not very loud. The giant leaned over to hear what Andy was trying to say and Andy shoved a pack of explosives into his nostril, the giant stood up and immediately tried to pick them out, but knew he was to late when his head split open like humpty dumpty, and definitely nothing was going to put his head back together again.

While walking ever closer to their final destination, shrill screeching could be heard from over the horizon and Cooper could swear he heard the pitter patter of horse hooves and a distinctly evil laughter. As the thing making the noise neared, Cooper and Andy found some defilade and prepared to fire at whatever it was. Once it rounded the corner Cooper recognized it immediately, it definitely resembled the Headless Horseman from American folklore.

Andy, not being from Earth, just thought the guy riding the horse with a pumpkin for a helmet was kind of dumb. He soon regretted underestimating the horseman though, as he promptly removed his head and threw it at Andy, catching him off guard. The pumpkin smashed into his chest and threw him backwards ten meters where he hit a well placed tree. Cooper, knowing that his friend was dead did the only thing he could think of, he ran. The horseman chased and Cooper ended up having to take him out with a well placed vibroblade to the sternum. The man wasn't a real pumpkin headed freak, he was actually a midget on stilts who just happened to be really strong and a good horseman. Cooper wondered if he had done any clowning for the rodeo, but that was a thought for another day. Finally feeling somewhat secure despite all the strange deaths, Cooper walked towards Andy to inspect the damage. The pumpkin had burned through Andy's body armor and had settled into his chest cavity. The blood was everywhere, along with the smell of burnt pumpkin. Cooper walked to Andy and slowly placed two coins over his eyes.

As Cooper stood up to leave he was suddenly grabbed by Andy, or what was left of him and dragged down toward him, Andy withdrew a small vial from his pocket and placed it in Cooper's hand, there was a note attached to it and Cooper read it aloud.

This potion will give to whomever drinks it the power to turn invisible. I had hoped to save it for me but if you are reading this, I am either dead, or really drunk.

Cooper could feel the tears welling up inside of himself and he thought about his good friend Andy. Cooper drank the potion and waited for it to take effect; that was when he saw that the note had a second side.

page two:
Coop, you always were gullible weren't you, that potion doesn't really make you turn invisible, you silly goose you. Actually it is a digestive acid that will turn all of your internal organs to a greenish sludge. Why, you ask yourself, did I go to all this trouble of creating the psycho fruits? You remember that day on Theti Nine when that girl was flirting with me, and you said she reminded you of a bulldog? Well I thought she was pretty so ha ha ha who has the last laugh now?

Cooper couldn't believe it; he had been sold out by his best friend over some ugly bulldog woman.

Cooper lay back and could feel his heart burning. Slowly he watched as a herd of oranges neared him, looking quite vicious. Cooper wasn't going to go out like that, he wasn't going to let healthy foods be the death of him so he did what any one would do when faced with a herd of ferocious oranges, he withdrew his only weapon left. And quickly and quietly he slit his own throat and blacked out, never to be a part of the world again, a world that would now be overrun with killer fruit.