Daniel: Momma Jaffa
George: Daddy Jaffa
Teal'c: Baby Jaffa
Sam: Little Miss Buffet
Saddam Hessian: Some Evil Guy
Viper: "Once upon a time..."
Jack: Who wrote this?
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson, I am not familiar with the term "Goldie-Jack".
Daniel: Well Teal'c...
Viper: Shut up! As I was saying "Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away..."
Jack: This is the stupidest play I've ever read!
Sam: Jack, you're wearing the dress and that's final!
Viper: Are we all finished? Can I keep going or are there any more interruptions?
Daniel: Actually yea, can I be the Narrator?
Viper: Oh hell, I'm skipping the first three lines. "Goldie-Jack decided to see if anyone was home, so she knocked on the door."
Goldie-Jack: (Knocks) "Helooooo?????"
George: Ouch! Damnit Jack! That's my HEAD!!!!!!!!!!
Viper: "No one answered and the door was unlocked. Goldie-Jack decided to go in and look around the big Goa'uld mothership."
Jack tries to squeeze into the circuit breaker box.
Viper: That's it! I can't work with such incompetent people!
Daniel: Can I be the narrator?
Saddam Hussein: I'm the new narrator!
Sam: Is that?
Saddam: Of course it is stupid! Who else would it be? I'm takin over here!
George: You can't do that!
Saddam: I'm Saddam Hussein! I can do what ever I damn well please baldy!
Viper calls security and they take Saddam away.
Viper: Moving on, "When Goldie-Jack entered the mothership she smelled the sweet nauseating fragrance of yummy Goa'uld Nutrition slop and followed it to the kitchen where she found three bowls already made."
Jack: What is this stuff? It tastes like old socks.
Daniel: Actually it is. We stewed your dirty old gym socks.
Jack: Eeewww! Nasty!
George: Just read the line colonel.
Jack: Yes, sir. "Mmmm. What yummy looking slop. I am so hungry that I think I will have some."
Viper: "And so Spacemonkey fell into a deep sleep."
Viper: It's in the script!
Teal'c: What is this "Spacemonkey"?
Sam: Viper, that's the wrong script.
Viper checks the scrip heading.
Sam: Jack, what did you do with the rest of the script?
Jack: It wasn't me!
Teal'c: What was not you Colonel O'Neill?
Viper: Sure it wasn't Jack.
Jack: It wasn't!
Voice comes over the intercom.
Saddam: Fools! You thought you could get rid of me that easily, but you were wrong! If you want your script back you will have to pay me one trillion American dollars!
Viper sighs, goes up to the control room and takes the script from Saddam. He activates the gate, has security throw Saddam through, and closes the iris.
Viper: Now, back to the play, "Goldie-Jack ate all of the slop. After she was done eating she wanted to sit down. So she walked into the mothership's sitting room. There she found three thrones."
Goldie-Jack: "This throne is too big."
Viper: "She moved to the next one."
Goldie-Jack: "This one's too hard!"
Viper: "And so"
Jack: Damn, this dress is riding up!
Viper: "And so she moved on to the third and final throne."
Goldie-Jack: "This throne is perfect!"
Viper: "But when she went to sit down, the throne broke into several pieces."
Goldie-Jack: Oh well, it ain't mine. Hahahahahaha!"
Sam: Jack, stick to the script.
Jack: That was the script!
Viper: "Goldie-Jack began to yawn, sitting down was hard work after all! So she went upstairs and found three sarcophaguses. Goldie-Jack wasn't picky, so she laid down in the closed one."
Goldie-Jack: "Aagh! Too big."
Viper: "She moved on down the line."
Goldie-Jack: "Too hard!"
Viper: "She tried the last one."
Viper: "Goldie-Jack fell asleep. While she was sleeping the three Jaffa came home, bringing their friend Little Miss Buffet, and discovered that the had a visitor while they were gone.
Daddy: "Someone has been eating my slop and sitting on my throne!"
Mommy: "Someone has been eating my slop and sitting on my throne, too."
Baby: "Someone has been eating my slop, also, and they broke my throne!"
Viper: "The Jaffa left Little Miss Buffet in the sitting room and went upstairs."
Daddy: "Someone has been sleeping in my sarcophagus!"
Mommy: "Someone has been sleeping in my sarcophagus, too."
Baby: "Someone's been sleeping in my sarcophagus, and they're still there!"
Viper: "Little to their knowledge, Goldie-Jack was well armed with a SPAS-12 loaded with .00 Buckshot 12-gauge shotgun shells. And that was the last of the three Jaffa."
Jack: Good riddance! Muhujahahahahahaha!
Everyone gives him a strange look.
Viper: Ookay "Now all this shooting attracted the attention of Little Miss Buffet. She came rollin on in firing her staff weapon."
Miss Buffet: "Die Tau'ri scum! Die!"
Viper: "Now being the good USAF special services officer that she was, Goldie-Jack dropped to one knee and put three rapidly fired shotgun rounds through the doorway."
Jack starts trying to shoot Sam with a broom.
Viper: Hey, George, you got any Aspirin?
Daniel: I do Vipe.
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson, I still do not understand the term "Goldie-Jack"
Daniel: Can I be narrator for the last couple of lines?
Daniel: If I can just
Viper: "And Goldie-Jack went back through the Stargate and lived happily ever after. The end."
Jack: Oh for crying out loud! Stop whining Space
Daniel: Finish that sentence and the picture of you in that dress becomes my new Christmas card!