"Wedgsel and Neftel" by Jol Allson

Fiction Home - More by Jol Allson - More in Humor

Wedgsel - Wedge
Neftel - Nefertite
Witch - Neith
Father - Acid
Narrator - Rogue

Rogue: And so begins the story of Wedgsel and Neftel.

Nef: I'm gonna kill whoever came up with those names,

<Nef glares at Wedge>.

Wedge: Well if you don't want the part.

Nef: I didn't say that!

Rogue: Anyway, Wedge, who's playing the Witch?

Neith: I am.

<Rogue jumps in the air>

Rogue: Ahh! Don't sneak up on me like that!

Neith: Sorry.

Rogue: So begins the story of Wedgsel and Neftel...

<Nef cringes>

Rogue: ...with them leaving their father and going out into the woods,

<Long silence, Rogue coughs>

All: It's your line Acid.

Acid: What's my line again?

<Everyone shrugs>

Acid: Oh well. Now my two children Wedgsel and Neftel are going away, I'll be left on my own.

Wedge: Goodbye father.

Nef: See ya pops.

Rogue: Nef!!

Nef: I mean, Good bye father.

Wedge: Hang on, Neftel, shouldn't we leave a trail of something to help us find our way back?

Nef: Good idea Wedgsel, we should leave some bread.

Wedge: Great idea Neftel.

Nef: <quietly> I can see this is going to be a long play.

Rogue: So Wedgsel and Neftel head off, skipping...

Wedge+Nef: If you think we're skipping.

Rogue: It's in the script, or do I have to make it an order. ...into the woods leaving bits of bread behind them. They come across a cottage made of candy.

Nef: Hey look that cottage is made of candy, shall we go eat it?

Wedge: Yeah, come on, I've got dibs on the windowsill.

Rogue: Suddenly a witch comes out of the cottage.

Wedge: Agghh, really ugly witch!

Nef: What, where, oh yeah. Bet she's not popular.

Neith: I am too, but anyway, why are you eating my house? I'll capture you and then eat that little boy.

Rogue: So the witch captures them and puts Wedgsel in a cage.

Neith: Now boy when I ask to feel your arm, give it to me. You little girl...

Nef: Hey!

Neith: ...you can work for me, cleaning the house.

Wedge: Pst, Neftel, When she asks to feel my arm, I'll stick out this bone, that way she won't eat me coz she'll think I'm thin.

Nef: Good idea Wedgsel.

Wedge: I'm not stupid!

Rogue: Shut up. ... and because the witch is short sighted she feels the bone and thinks it's his arm. Then one day the witch decides to eat Wedgsel anyway.

Neith: I'll get the oven ready and you get him out of the cage.

Rogue: The witch makes the oven ready and comes back to Neftel.

Nef: Hang on a sec. my brother will never fit in that oven.

Neith: Yes he will.

Nef: Oh no he won't.

Neith: Oh yes he will!

Rogue: This is not a panto!

Neith+Nef: Sorry

Nef: Prove it, you get in there!

Neith: But, but, it's lit!

Wedge: <eyes widen in shock> You we're going to put me in a lit oven?

Rogue: Put out the oven and get in. It's in the script.

Neith: Okay.

<Wedge slams the door to the oven and locks it>

Nef: Hah, now she'll never escape!

Wedge: Come on, let's go home.

Rogue: The two of them walk outside and look for the bread, which has vanished.

Wedge: We'll never find out way home now!

Acid: Wedgsel, Neftel, where are you?

Nef: Daddy! Can we go now that we're finished?

Rogue: Yeah sure.

Wedge: Rug you want to go get a drink?

Rogue: Okay.

<Wedge turns lights off>

Wedge: You know, I've got a funny feeling we've forgotten something. Oh well. Let's go.

* * * * *

Three hours later...

Neith: <muffled> Let me out of this stupid oven!

<Wedge rushes in>

Neith: I'm gonna kill you!

Wedge: I'll only let you out if you promise to give me a head start.

Neith: Okay.

<Wedge slowly opens door, Neith slams door open and runs out after Wedge, who legs it out the door and down the corridor>

* * * * *

Twenty metres down the corridor...

Rogue: Halt, What's going on here?

Neith: Well he locked me in that oven for the play we were doing.

Wedge: Hey I forgot she was in there!

Rogue: Proceed.

<Wedge again tears off and Neith follows. They run into the hangar and knock three techs flying. The techs in turn drop their tools into the fighters they were working on. Suddenly a battle alert sound. Unfortunately most of the fighters have hydrospanners in them so they don't work,so the Goa'uld attack destroys the Ashleigh. >

* * * * *

Onboard the Ashleigh, Wedge Antilles quarters...

<Wedge sits bolt upright and reaches over to his bedside table. He picks up a booklet with the words 'Wedgsel and Neftel play script' written on it. He tears it in half and falls asleep again>